105: Nalowale

Note: Dialogue in "quotes" are real. Anything else is made-up.

I'm back! Now to play catch-up with episode 5. Before we get started, here's a link that Marilyn shared with me, featuring a quick and handy "then and now" guide to Hawaii Five-O. Now you can see what I mean about really wanting to do something with Jack Lord's hair. Thanks, Marilyn!

Now, onwards with ep 5!

After the usual Hawaiian montage, in case you've forgotten which island and 50th acquired state we were on, scene opens with an underwater submarine tour. There is apparently cell phone reception underwater. Who knew? My reception gets cut off whenever I duck into the basement for two minutes, but evidently the cell phone towers on this island are made of the strong. Verizon man, I can hear you now.

Anyway, dead body is found. Cut to a shirtless Stevie cuddling up to with Navy pal who helped him out last episode. I've a feeling producers are milking Alex O'Loughlin's torso for what it's worth. Anyway, Gov. Jameson calls, and can I just take a moment here to ask who brings their phone into bed with them? Especially if they're having company there? Combined with vigorous activity and body fluids? I'm going to leave that thought with you and move on to the next bit.

So you know how it works: Stevie may be enjoying quite a few perks by way of having gov on speed-dial, but it works both ways, so if the gov calls, he's up and running. In this case, right to the ME's office with Danno. Danno, by the way, is still pimping out that cane. Quick trivia: the cane was actually the result of Scott Caan's real-life on-set injury, so I think it was smart of the writers to incorporate that into the show as well as the banter about it. Also, giving more face- and action-time to Kelly isn't too bad either.

Anyway, Danno is like, dude, you're smiling, did you get all Guantanamo on somebody again? And Stevie's like, ohhh, not in the way you mean, homeboy! Zing!

Gov introduces them to the ME, and now it makes sense why she'd handed over the reins to Stevie and let him elect his special treehouse task force in the first place. Indeed, I would say giving Stevie carte blanche in his daily activities would actually be a step up from the ME. She has evidently learned through trial and error.

Anyway! The ME has even less social skills than Stevie, which kills me. Ha! Also, I think he has a crush on Danno. Please let this be a recurring storyline.

My piano smells like formaldehyde.

You are so not stepping anywhere near me.

Danno: Oh hell no. Viewers: Oh hell yes.

Victim is daughter of a US ambassador, who is also a good friend of the gov, which is why she called Stevie and his team into action. Victim's sister is still missing, so off they go to get info from the grieving family. Kelly meets the security consultant who shuns his small talk, and I'm sure a lesser being would be all dude, why won't you be my frieeeeeennnnnd, but Kelly's used to people not liking him. It's okay, Kelly. They're just being dorks.

I want to point out this remark by the ambassador, in answer to whether he had any enemies: "I am a representative of the United States in an unstable region of the world. It comes with the territory." Correction: be associated with the United States period and you face great risks around the world. This includes non-profits and charities. I was listening to some NPR and BBC Global News reports and it was a big, scary issue. Very troubling.

Okay, moving on. My, this show has such pretty scenery.

Stevie's gal pal stumbles across Mary-the-sister, who's still visiting, and right now I'm giving sis a chance because it's early yet (this is only her second ep so far), but I have this niggling feeling that she so could have been more, y' know what I mean? I'm not quite sure I can put my finger on it, so that's why I'm giving her lots of leeway. Perhaps she could've been less punk-rock-ish 'cause it makes her seem like a rebellious teen, and I get the feeling she's supposed to be older than that? I don't know. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Anyway, from what she tells the gal pal, it looks like she's going to be sticking around for a while.

Hey, the HQ looks to be filling out! Finally getting furniture is always nice.

You know what we need? A fridge. Packing lunch is hard.

Stevie and Danno see Max the ME again, and man, if Max doesn't ask Danno out at some point during this season, I shall be very woeful indeed. I need to cut in for a moment here, though, because dude. Danno. Did you seriously have to explain what roofies are? To Stevie? To anybody? Really?

I'm sorry, I just have to come back to this to get it out of my system. Writers, why are you having Danno, an established Jersey cop, define roofies to Stevie, a tough-ass naval commander? Have you seriously gone overboard with the TV-procedural routine of explaining every single thing to viewers? Please give us some credit. We are in your targeted age range. We know. If you feel you have to define it just in case, at least do it in a way that's not ludicrous. A cop, a naval commander, and an ME. I don't think any of them need an explanation as to what roofies are.

This just boggles my mind in a way that should not be boggled. Shall we move on? Yes, LET'S.

Max the ME objects to strangers touching his wand. So many rimshot jokes, so little time.

Stevie and Danno head back to HQ, where they trace a stamp on the victim's hand to a local club. Let us enjoy the pause and look that Stevie gives Danno when the latter asks, "Did you learn that in SEAL school?" Stevie: "Yeah, it's called the Internet."

Off they go to the club to find creepy guy seen exiting with the ambassador's daughters. I almost expected it to be like episode 3, where bouncer would reject Danno but let Stevie in, but no dice. Oh well. So they're in the club, and Danno, if ever there was a time to really whip out the bling on that cane. . . .

He does figure out the reason for Stevie's good mood, though: "You got into some Barry White last night, didn't you?"

They catch the creep attempting to roofie another girl, which gives them perfect reason to zoom in on him without delay, but not before they make the creep drink the concoction. Note: Stevie said, "Big swallow, big swallow," but I initially misheard it as "Bitch, swallow, bitch, swallow," and I thought, man, he getting down and badass tonight.

Please, for the love of Hades, let us pimp out that cane.

Back to the Saw interrogation room! This time involving fog horns. Turns out the creep's modus operandi was to drug girls, leave 'em in a van for somebody, then get paid for it the next day. Damn. I hate this kind of thing. Creep doesn't know anything else though, which means it's time for some undercover work. Kono, seeing as you're the only one with ovaries on the team, you're up.

Meanwhile, Mary-the-sis is at home watching infomercials, including the Hawaiian chair first made popular by Ellen DeGeneres:





A search for remote control batteries leads her to dad McGarrett's toolbox, though, history of which you recall from ep 1 and 2. Uh-oh. This cannot bode well.

Sure, the stuff in it's not the usual selection you'd find in an average toolbox, but it kills me that she calls Stevie up to ask why there are things like crime scene photos in there. Mary, hon, you do know your brother's line of work, right? I personally would assume that it was related to his job, but I guess they needed some way of getting the siblings' and dad McGarrett's storylines to converge. We do learn that dad McGarrett was investigating something prior to his death, so that's why Stevie was hanging on to it. Dang, and here I thought it was for sentimental reasons.

So a pretend-drugged Kono -- shadowed by Stevie, Kelly (yay Kelly!), and a SWAT team -- is brought to a skeezy hideout where other young girls are being held in preparation for the skin trade. Head honcho is a, well, honchess. Old Chinese lady with a dog. Good guys bust in and break up the operation, but no sign of the missing sister. Turns out the sister was specifically targeted, and head honchess was paid to deliver her elsewhere.

Head honchess: "I want you read my Miranda right now. Preferably in Chinese. My English not so good." Ha! I loved this.

She will feed you to her dog. Yes, that wee Pomeranian. You know she'll do it.

Team finds out that the ambassador had indeed been in contact with the kidnappers. Turns out that contrary to earlier assumption, there was a ransom demand after all, thus the need for the aforementioned security consultant, a.k.a. ransom negotiator. Let us take a moment to applaud them for a good way of explaining what the security consultant's real role was. They did that naturally. The roofies thing, though? So not. Yes, I had to mention it again.

Bad guy is played by Patrick Gallagher, who used to play Coach Tanaka on Glee. Because of that, throughout his scenes I couldn't stop picturing him in short shorts. That is not always conducive when he's trying to play this vicious gangster.

Off ambassador goes to pay ransom, and off the team go to intervene because man, bad guy has real political beef with the ambassador, so you know things won't end well if he gets his way. I like that Stevie felt the warm tires to distinguish that they can't have gone far, because in most shows, the usual trick would be to feel the hood of the car. That wouldn't work here in Hawaii, because there's sun beating down on cars anyway. Good job, guys!

Stevie gets Navy gal pal to help track where the security consultant and crew are stationed, which makes this his second favour, and I'm just waiting for the ep where she gets caught helping him out and lands in so much trouble with her superiors. Does having the gov on speed-dial help with that? Gov's power extends throughout the island, but the Navy is a whole different entity altogether. It's not like it's gonna submit to the whims of any old politician, right?

Skip ahead to Stevie and Danno finding security consultant, telling him off, bad boy! No cookie! You do it our way! They take over, can't pull the ambassador out in time, so in the Five-O team go to save the day. Well, everyone 'cept Danno who's monitoring the cameras with his bum knee, but that's okay. Have I mentioned how much I really like Kelly and his weapon of choice?

Fight fight fight! Stevie, I like your moves. Whoo roundhouse kick! And a back slam! This is turning out to be like a Streetfighter II game (I fear this dates me). Ambassador and daughter are alive, bad guys're thwarted, team has saved the day. Go team!

Now here follows what I thought was the best part of the show, involving the gov.

Jean Smart, you do excellent work playing this character.

Stevie: "Just doing the job you hired me for."
Gov: "Maybe so. But I made a promise to a friend, and you let me keep it."

This, this was the best. I liked it. It's a different kind of gratitude. There's the kind Stevie was thinking of, i.e., thank you for the good work, and there's the kind that the gov responded with, i.e., thank you for not letting me down. The latter means so much, in such layered ways.

It may also be the reason why she's willing to let Stevie have a free pass in most things (like, y' know, the baby-sister-sitting job, among other things). I suppose having someone to count on matters in the long run.

And so ends ep 5! Now on to ep 6. What did you think of this episode? Can we make Danno's cane a permanent staple in the show? Please?