107: Ho'apono

Note: Dialogue in "quotes" are real. Anything else is made-up.

Are you ready for another round of Really Scowlin' Stevie? Good! 'Cause we're getting a triple dosage of that medicine in this SEAL-centric episode. Buckle your seatbelt and let's get rolling! Danno, try to roll safely, 'kay? Just 'cause you're off the cane now doesn't mean you can stop taking it easy.

Man, I miss that cane.

Scene opens with a montage of a woman being murdered, and you know what? We totally didn't need this. I'm a little tired of gratuitous images of women being victimized on TV, especially when you realise that the entire episode didn't even need that montage. Seriously, you could've taken that whole bit out and opened with the running scene instead, and it would've worked perfectly fine. The montage didn't lend anything of value or import to the story, and new viewers might've actually gotten turned off and switched channels the moment they saw it. Which would've been a shame, because despite that part, Hawaii Five-O is actually funny and fun, so I'm pretty disappointed at them putting in this bit.

Anyway, let's just pretend it opened with the running scene instead. SEAL guy with a bloody knife in his hands is running and escaping the cops. He runs to Pearl Harbour, where there's a tour of the USS Missouri. Tour guide is an old guy whom I shall call Old Sea Dog from hereon out, because he's a charming crusty chap. He also pronounces it "Missoura," the way the elderly husband of someone I used to work with does, which means he immediately worms his way into a soft place in my heart.

We see tourists in loud T-shirts at last!

I guess you know what this means. SEAL guy takes the tourists hostage inside the battleship. Another ordinary day in Hawaii!

Stevie and Danno arrive and meet Laura Hills (played by Kelly Hu, who -- guess what? -- was born and bred in Hawaii, and was Miss Hawaii Teen USA), the gov's "public safety liaison." Not sure what that means, but I'm guessing that the gov is pretty busy running the island so she can't always be there in person whenever she needs the Five-O team's help. Delegation is an important skill, y' know.

She updates them with the latest: SEAL guy is Graham Wilson, warfare expert, accused of killing his wife, refusing to release the hostages until cops find out who really did it, and if anybody moves in he'll kill the hostages himself. Yeah, not the best way to convince officers of your innocence, but there's a reason for that (we'll come to this later).

Oh hey! Can we take a mini-break so that I can point something out really quick? Something that really bugged me the moment I realised it and it's been making me go "Whaaaaa" ever since? I'll be really quick and then we can get on with the tale, I promise. Okay, here it is:

Oh Danno, how could you?

Danno, Danno, what are you doiiiiiiiiiiiiiing? You are walking around with a gun on you in full-view, which I know is part of your job and is in case an emergency arises and you need access to your firearm . . . BUT. There is a little issue of, oh, say, Gun Safety 101, in which you keep the snap on. Do you realise that the minute I noticed that, every single time you came onscreen I would get hives just thinking about some nefarious member of the public sneaking up behind you and yanking out that gun before you could even blink? For someone who professes to have at least 87 homicide cases under your belt, you sure are living dangerously. Now, I am no expert on the various types of retention devices on gun holsters out there, but surely a basic duty holster involves a thumb-snap. I cannot see one here.

Hives, hiiiiiiives, I tell you.

Okay, back to the story. Instead of sending in a SWAT team, they figure sending in Stevie would be a good idea. Stevie's all for SEALs being brothers-in-arms, so he's up for that. For reference: one Steve McGarrett equals entire SWAT squad. File that away for future knowledge.

So how will Stevie get aboard without being seen? By swimming, of course. I did mention before that producers are milking Alex O'Loughlin's torso for all it's worth, right?

"You're serious and now you're shirtless. That's great."
Let us sense Danno's chagrin.

So Stevie's gonna board the ship while the rest of the team investigate on land. They find out Wilson has a daughter, leading to this exchange:

Kono: "I'm going to see the kid, see if she knows anything, because, y' know, I'm the woman on the team. You'll probably ask me to do that anyway."
Danno: "No, no, it's not because you're a woman. It's because you're a rookie, which is way worse."

This made me bark out loud with laughter. Oh writers, thank you for putting this in. You know me so well. Also, Danno's "good luck, Aquaman!" was much appreciated, as was Stevie's responding fist in the air.

So Stevie swims through successfully and climbs aboard, miraculously not dripping wet when he gets on deck because homeboy dries fast. He heads off down below all lock and loaded, and hey, there's Old Sea Dog! Howdy! Turns out Old Sea Dog managed to evade hostage status. He knows the ship like the back of his hand, so no way is he gonna hide and let Stevie have all the fun.

While Kono figures out a way to get through to the non-communicative Lily-the-hostage-taker's-daughter, Danno and Kelly are at the dead wife's home looking for clues. Said clues include (a) a hidden notebook written in Russian (all the exciting stuff is always in Russian), (2) a safe deposit box key, and (3) psych meds for PTSD. This is where it makes sense why Wilson is making all these outrageous demands and threatening harm to the hostages. Danno's really convinced that Wilson is the killer, and let's just say he can see how ex-wives can make a guy snap.

Kelly: "How long were you married again?"

Also, Stevie and Danno check in via phone, and you know the writers are having a ball by including this in the conversation:

Danno: "You miss me, don't you?"

Old Sea Dog: "You talking to your wife?"
Stevie: "I'm talking to my partner."
(And you see the lightbulb go off in Old Sea Dog's head at the word partner. Ha.)

Unfortunately, a ship has very narrow quarters, so all it takes is Old Sea Dog bumping against something to give away their location. Stevie shooes off Old Sea Dog and infiltrates the hostage group, pretending to be one of the tourists.

So, whoops, kerfuffle ensues when fellow tourist tries to play hero and gets a gash in return. In the confusion of the moment, Stevie pinches the murder weapon before identifying himself to Wilson. Question: when the Five-O team came into being, did they put out a press release in the paper or something? I mean, using that name? 'Cause you have to remember that they didn't officially have a name when they got together in ep 1. Stevie shared its sentimental significance to him at the end of ep 3, and they evidently adopted it as ep 4 was the first time they officially used it in the course of duty. You might recall my wondering in ep 4 how they could've possibly run that name by the gov and got it approved. I'm thinking every single officer they meet will eventually end up asking them about the name, too, so after the 900th time you've explained it, Stevie, you might regret not getting something more transparent like Special Task Force With Gov On Speed-Dial.

All I'm saying is, out of all this, at least it's fellow officers who at least have some measure of understanding of how things work in the system. For Stevie to identify himself right now as Five-O, in the midst of civilians (even if one of them is technically a SEAL and therefore government servant), would they understand what he's talking about? Or would they think it's the name of a boy band? I mean, I doubt the practicality of announcing this team to the general public. It's a pretty exclusive treehouse. Not everyone could -- or should -- know about it, otherwise the gov will get barraged by letters asking her to put her special team on so-and-so case, etc, or using this against her in an election year questioning the use of taxpayer funds.

You realise I am the type of person who examines the practicality involved in running an exclusive treehouse that has the state gov on speed-dial all while set in Hawaii. I make no claims, my friend.

Kono, meanwhile, takes Lily-hostage-taker's-daughter for some shaved ice, and for a moment I wondered why they went to someplace so out of their way when surely there must be an ice-stand more conveniently nearby. Then a familiar face from episode 1 showed up and it made sense. Ha, good going, guys!

Stevie tries the whole bonding thing with Wilson, which just goes to show the importance of people skills, Stevie. So, the lowdown: Wilson's wife was a Russian single mom when they first met; because of his PTSD, he'd been getting into plenty of fights with her; a run around the block usually helps clear his head; he did all that today, only to find her dead. Well. That's no fun.

Stevie manages to convince Wilson to release tourist-hero-wannabe-with-gashed-head, but then gets locked in the john.

Danno on phone: "You're in a bathroom? I could've gotten locked into a bathroom."
Stevie: "It's a long story."

Oh, guess what? Old Sea Dog comes to save the day! And by that I mean he lets Stevie out of the john. Good thing, too. I don't imagine it smells too good down there. Wait a minute, I keep forgetting that the ship's a museum piece and not actually being used. So, okay, maybe it just smells a little musty from disuse. Stevie lifts the prints off the murder weapon and sends it over to his team via the wonders of technology. He finds out that Old Sea Dog knew his grandpa, 'cause, y' know, the McGarrett name is a big deal in Hawaii. In case you haven't gotten that in this series so far.

Kono makes headway with li'l Lily, who reveals she'd been hiding that morning and saw the real killer. Speak of the devil, look! It's him coming up to them! At which point this happens:

This is where I yell, "KONO, YOU IDIOT!"

 She turns her back on the kid and heads toward the guy. Let's go through that again: she TURNS HER BACK and LEAVES THE KID. What the bleep? Everyone knows that when it comes to pets and small children, you never turn your back on them for an instant! Especially out of doors! Next thing you know, they'll have vanished into tall grass! Roll around in mud! Eat something dead and disgusting from the ground! Yes, this is true of both pets and small children.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

You know what happens next. Lily gets kidnapped. Oh, Kono.

Well, let's balance that with one good part, which is Danno explaining to Stevie why he shouldn't tell Wilson what happened to his daughter. Danno speaks as a father himself, and makes good points, so Stevie acknowledges his better judgment. Anyway, let's skip ahead to Stevie finally deciding to take Wilson down. Stevie: "It's gone on way too long, it ends now!" Oh, Stevie, you have no idea.

Meanwhle, the team gets the Russian notebook translated. It's the dead wife's diary! Turns out she was escaping an abusive husband, who -- you guessed it -- was the guy at the shaved-ice shop, and who killed her and now kidnapped the daughter. But let's get back to Stevie finally taking Wilson down. Bang bang! Gas bomb! Escaped hostages! But wait! Busted by Wilson! Who throws Stevie's phone overboard, and daaaaaamn, do you know how much a good phone with an excellent data plan is worth these days? He used it to send over fingerprint pics, for crying out loud. Getting a replacement stinks. That's not even counting sentimental value, because who knows, he might've had the back of it inscribed with positive words of reinforcement. All I'm saying is, you don't mess with someone else's phone.

Wilson orders Stevie to his knees, and I have to give Alex O'Loughlin credit for this one, because the expression on his face said it all: Is this where and how it's going to end? Like this? Good job, good sir.

The rest of the team is off to stop bad guy from escaping, and hey, Danno's at the wheel of the slick silver car, same one in ep 6! Which Stevie had been driving so I'd assumed it was his. So is this the Five-O team car, then? Or is Danno borrowing Stevie's? If the latter, then that might make more sense as to why he chose to screech it to a stop right in front of the baddie's plane (team, you're lucky the plane stopped in time, because its brakes take far longer to act than a car, y' know).

Kinetic energy. Innate force. Physics lessons of old running through my head.

Actually, I'm kinda amazed that Danno did this, because he's the cautious single father cop, after all. Not his style. I'm guessing Stevie's rubbing off on him. Let's give Kelly and Kono a few minutes to calm their nerves before planning how they can stop Danno from going behind the wheel ever again. At least while they're still in it.

Anyway, girl gets rescued! Whoo! Y' know, for badass Russian baddies, they sure gave up pretty easily. Hands up as they get off the plane, nary a gun in sight. Now you choose to be polite.

Meanwhile, Stevie's still having a rough afternoon.

SWAT team closes in, which could turn out really badly, and all along Stevie's been trying to avoid killing Wilson so if Wilson goes down now it would really put a wrench in Stevie's day. Old Sea Dog gets one in the arm, poor guy. Things look pretty bad, and man, Wilson, we can see what you're thinking. You want the easy way out, and that would really tick Stevie off. Do you know what trouble he had to go through to get here?

So of course Stevie leaps over and knocks him down, only just narrowly avoiding getting cheesehole'd by SWAT bullets himself, the crazy guy. Man, y'all livin' dangerously today.

This ep had a nice ending, in which Stevie lets Wilson say g'bye to his daughter without cuffs. I really appreciate that the writers didn't go for the we'll-all-be-together happy ending here, because Wilson did commit some crimes and trauma, and as he tells Lily, he is sick and needs to get better. So he'll do his time, and see to his problems, and I appreciate that.

What did you guys think of this episode? Once again, I want to point out that they really didn't need the gratuitous opening scene at all. Felt too CSI to me. I'm all for this show to be about fun and action and adventure, they don't need to mess that up with unnecessary depictions. Thoughts?