116: E Malama

Note: Dialogue in "quotes" are real. Anything else is made-up.

We're ba-aaa-aack!

Whew! Things got crazy-busy for a while there, and by the time things calmed down to the "reasonably sane" category, the sheer number of eps to recap seemed mountainous. But Marilyn the great kept encouraging me to resume, so everybody give her a hand!

I'm not sure how far I'll be able to recap past eps (my, the Five-O crew have been busy). If I do, I'll likely backdate them so that they remain in order. Thank you for sticking with me! (And if you'd like to help out by writing some guest recaps yourself, I will love you like mad.)

Onward we go into lush green mountains! Believe me, they are very lush and green. The producers sure love their opening shots.

Guess who's hiding in an FBI safehouse deep within these lush green mountains? Lorena! Only after exploding into guts and gore in True Blood, I guess she got reincarnated as a protected witness. At least she gets to enjoy the sun now.

"So tempted to whip out a Southern accent every five minutes. So tempted."

Though you know what really sucks about being stowed away in the middle of a lush, bird-twittering forest? Your FBI escort (who seemed like a really cool dude, by the way, all two minutes of his screen time) getting gunned down by professional hitmen. The suckage, it is massive.

But she's tough! She has a lighter! She has hairspray! She may not have sharp teeth and a raging obsession over a certain Civil War vampire in this show, but damn if she's going to die in anything less than the blood-and-guts explosion she's due. She has standards.

(Can I just say that half the population of Bon Temps must be experts in knowing how to get all manners of bodily fluids out of their clothes and furniture by now? Seriously, all a guy's gotta do is complain about a spot of blood and part of an intestine on his sleeve and he'll likely get five different folks at the bar telling him to try hydrogen peroxide and dab gently with salted water but on no account use hot water cold only cold cold cold for the love of Mike, man, do you want it to SET?)

Are we still in Hawaii? All right, then. Opening credits dance!

So you know how some shows like Bones and Leverage slip in some product placement, such as Audi's jacked-up stereo system or Toyota's talking GPS or Avatar's ability to attract Jeffersonian squints and FBI psychologists? We know no way Hawaii Five-O wants to be left out, judging from the way the team ride their Chevys (I can tell you right now, I'm surprised Danno's silver baby hasn't been scratched and keyed to bits during their random dirt-road skids).

But because we are Five-O, man, we go above and beyond.

Coco puffs. With the Chevys. On the Chevys. Triple threat, yo.

The only part I don't get? When Kelly brings those coco puffs along to HQ, Kono does not bat an eye or even ask for a bite, and Kelly doesn't offer. You missed a prime opportunity there, fellas! Marketing!

Oh! Randomly, you know what I dug? When Stevie enters the HQ, I for a second there thought he was wearing bright yellow sneakers, and thought, "Yowza, papasita! Nice to see you trying out the hip crowd." 'Cause you see some folks wearing red shoes and they're cool, but bright yellow ones? Especially if he's a rough-and-tumble Navy SEAL? I want wantever he's chewin'.

Then I realised that it was just the screen resolution and he was actually wearing sand-coloured armed-forces boots. Major letdown, folks.

So the team find out they have to rescue ex-Vampire Lorena (sorry, I'm just gonna call her that from now on), as she's set to testify against a major crime bigwig that very afternoon. I know, right? Those bad guys like to cut it close. Me, I like to wrap things up six weeks before a deadline, but whatever. Off they go to the jungle!

Well, not quite all of them. Just as they're about to leave, Danno checks his voicemail and learns that his ex-wife and daughter got carjacked. Luckily, they're now at HPD, so off Danno goes with Stevie's blessing! Though I have to say, Stevie, you held on to the window a little too long.

Let me just go already.

So the rest of the team and backup arrive at the safehouse. They discover the dead federal marshall and evidence that ex-Vampire Lorena is a fighter (well, of course, she's ex-Vampire Lorena). Kono gets assigned to intel and research on the case, so off she goes to the courthouse. Kelly and Stevie are off to track Lorena and her would-be assassins in the woods. Guess who's as happy as a clam.

Why yes, of course I always carry my camo bulletproof vest in the back of my vehicle. Not to mention a travel-sized face-paint kit.

So happy that he's not sharing. Backup officers be damned, you stand guard while just Kelly and I scour the entire mountain and valley region in search of one woman and some trigger-happy hitmen.

By the way, his parting words to the officers in regards to the hitmen were "you put them down, and you make sure they stay down." One can take it to mean either of two things: incapicitate them, or kill on sight. Judging from the team's preceeding conversation, I had a feeling he meant the latter, in which case we have serious issues here. Yes, the baddies may be trained assassins. Yes, they have killed your own and that makes it personal and them deadly. However, that still does not make it okay to order their deaths. That is not your call to make. You are not a medieval war general. Having the gov on speed-dial does not entitle you to decide who lives and who dies.

Well. Let's just leave that there and peek in on Danno's situation. I hope this will teach you stop ignoring your ex's calls, Danno. Anyway, they found the car intact and ex Rachel's purse unravaged, which makes Danno suspect that this was a scare tactic. Surely Rachel's new husband must be involved.

Meanwhile, Kono at the courthouse tells the DA that ex-Vampire Lorena "got out of the house alive against all odds, and if she's out there, we'll find her." I'm guessing they've never watched the Discovery Channel's I Shouldn't Be Alive series.

Back to the mountains. Stevie and Kelly in the jungle! Don't you love moments like that? Stevie and Danno bond in the car. Stevie and Kelly bond in the jungle. Every once in a while they throw in dirt-bike-riding for extra spice. You know how it is.

Stevie's power of being able to spot a fresh, green leaf on the ground in the middle of a freakin' jungle leads them to finding ex-Vampire Lorena way before the assassins do, despite the latter's one-hour headstart. I . . . I don't even know, y'all.

Stevie to ex-Vampire Lorena: "Let me have your shoes."
Me: "Ohmigawd, please let there be a Rocky Horror Picture Show scenario."

But no, he just wants to hunt down the hitmen. Well, shoot. He leaves, and you can just sense Kelly's indulgent sigh, like, okay, honey, just make sure you're back in time for milk and cookies. You know your curfew.

Back at the courthouse, Kono encounters the major crime bigwig and can't resist making some big-talk. Oy vey. This isn't just a rookie mistake, because I find the long-timers at CSI:NY doing the same thing every time. PEOPLE. YOU DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND AT THE OUTSET. If you keep telling your suspects every single thing, they know exactly how to construct their alibi.

Let's get back to Danno. He drives Rachel and Gracie home, but someone's broken in and rifled through Stan-the-new-husband's documents (leaving the jewelry alone, natch). I just want to say that the whole time I was watching Danno cautiously move through the ransacked mansion, I was wishing he still had that pimp cane.

In fact, I demand there be a site akin to Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor, in which Danno is just doing his everyday business with a pimp cane. Oh, is he enjoying a coco puff? With a pimp caaaaane. Is he cautiously making his way with a gun through a paper-strewn mansion? With a pimp caaaaaane. Is he sewing together his Santa outfit with a lonely tree in the background? Say it with me: With a pimp caaaaaane.

And then -- and then -- we throw in an occasional close-up of his grill. Bling!

. . . Maybe you should be glad about the lack of past ep recaps.

Back to the mountains!

You thought I was kidding about the face-paint.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

It was at this point that I thoroughly lost control and knew I had to start writing these play-by-plays again. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hawaii Five-O: Predator Edition.

And in the middle of it all, while Stevie is hoisting a huge log up into the trees -- as one typically does in that situation -- his phone starts to ring. The giggles, they are a neverending wave. Especially when he pauses and you see him mentally calculate, which hand do I use now? Stevie, you magnificent creature, you handle it all with magnificent aplomb.

I'm in desperate need of a bonding session.

I'm there for you, bro.

Danno is mad at Stan as he thinks he's the cause of all the trouble Rachel and Gracie are going through, so he's off to collect him from the airport. Stevie's all, you know what? Not be such a great idea.

Stevie: "I can hear you, and you have tone."
Danno: "I don't have a tone."
Stevie: "Okay, you say I have a face? You, my friend, you have a tone."

I think if you're being counselled to take things down a notch from a man who hangs suspects off the edge of tall buildings, you might want to take a long hard look at yourself.

I'll be honest: I'm not really a Danno fan. That doesn't mean that I don't like Danno or am against him. It just means I'm not among those who are fans. (Surely there has to be a word for it? To be a fan is to really like something; to not be a fan indicates that you don't like something. But what about that middle ground where you're not particularly moved by that something either way, so whatever happens doesn't really affect you?)

The thing is, he is a really stressful guy. Stressful and stressed. He himself admits he is working on his anger management isues. In the beginning he was all right, this wasn't such a massive issue, but as we move along in the series, it seems that everytime he opens his mouth it is to encourage his own vein to pop. He's looking for a reason to increase his heart-rate. This might come into play in a future episode where I hope he realises where he's headed and seeks help. I don't know, maybe some viewers enjoy his outraged reactions so they don't think it's such a big deal. They might be right. Even so, I do wish he would stop using the same old hand gestures. Variation might be nice.

Look, he ignores his ex-wife's calls because he's determined to hold on to his resentment, and you know what, dude? I can't really get behind that.

Oh well. Food for thought. We'll cut him some slack this time, considering his daughter was this close to guns and has just had a traumatizing day.

By the way, Steve is doing an excellent job at playing counsellor, modulating his breath, and keeping a log aloft in the air all at the same time. Boy can multitask.

And he takes down one assassin by plowing said log in the chest. I was so waiting for an invisible alien to materialize and shoot lasers. If a face-painted Schwarzenegger in army greens could've made a cameo, that would've been pure icing.

Kelly and ex-Vampire Lorena must be taking the long way around, because they still aren't out yet. Kelly loses his radio and gun in a shootout, but they manage to make their escape. Which is a good thing, because apparently the other assassin isn't such a crack shot. Ex-Vampire Lorena was flailing over the cliff in full view and he didn't even get one on her. Yay for undertrained assassins!

Especially when they spill the beans with a simple McGarrett threat. Yes, that's right, the log-battered assassin still lives! And confesses! So I guess Stevie wasn't intent on killing after all? He made sure the guy stayed alive, though he certainly isn't opposed to terrifying him. Relax, dude, I'm not going to torture you. I'm just going to cut a hole in your chest and stick this sharpened reed into your lung. It's to save you. Honest.

See, the thing with Stevie is you don't know if he's pulling your leg. For all you know, while he's reinflating his lung he might take a detour and tickle that left ribcage. You did kill two cops and a federal marshall.

Though it was funny when he called Kono afterwards, and she finds out Kelly isn't with him, because I swear the expression and tone she gave was all, did you lose my cousin again?

I leave you boys alone for one minute. . . .

Anyway, there's a third assassin out there, and a fourth who's the "cleaner." When I heard that word, I instantly thought: mafia. And then: vampires. Not necessarily together. But, y' know, surely you've seen or heard through Eastern Promises (Russian mafia!) or Moonlight (vampires!) about people who clean up a particularly ugly, gory killer mess. That's what a cleaner is, right?

Well, not so over here. It just means a backup assassin. Dang.

Stevie does give Kono the coordinates on where authorities can retrieve the fallen assassin. Good on him. Off he goes to traipse back through the jungle.

Meanwhile, Danno gets Stan and demands the truth, and really, Stan's not being shady at all. He just got caught in the middle of a disagreement with an unpleasant housing commissioner. And you thought you had renovation issues.

Things about this scene:

1) Considering Danno's job as a cop, what he's seen and what he brings back with him, I have to say his stated expectation that no form of violence will ever touch his daughter is a tad unrealistic.

2) It's not really Stan's fault all this is happening, as he was doing the right thing by refusing to give in to corrupt housing guy. My sympathies are more with him.

3) Danno: "Why didn't you just come to me?" This, fifteen seconds after threatening to give Stan "the worst beating you ever had in your entire life." Stan, I admire your straight face when you respond, "Are you kidding?"

4) When Stan admits to Danno that his marriage isn't going so great, I just cringed. Sigh. Writers, please don't have that whole scenario where there's tension and long gazes and questions of Danno and his ex-wife getting back together. I'm in favour of moving forward, not rehashing the past.

So Danno goes over and threatens the corrupt contractor. Pretty vivdly. Giving him his badge number. You see why I can't help feeling he's close to spiralling here? Also, for the sake of all kitchen staff out there, I implore you: please take your fights elsewhere. Neither of us here can count the number of times we've seen kitchen staff getting disrupted in their duties by people wanting to escape from shooting madmen, have a private conversation, distract rampant psychos by tossing pots and random trays in their path, et cetera. Please don't do this. These folks have to make a living. Also, apparently chefs get very upset if you try to disrupt their territory. Do not upset the person with the big knife who is an expert at dissembling chickens.

Back to the jungle. Kelly and ex-Vampire Lorena find an abandoned shed. And it has . . . A MOTORBIKE!

Specially for you, Kelly. Specially for YOU.

And the heavens opened and all was right with the world!

'Cept that despite the magic that is Kelly, it won't start. Then he looks up and a lightbulb turns on, and he says, "Hold on." He's looking straight at a tractor in the shed, and I swear I thought they were going to tractor their way out of there. Oh by Hades, that would've been a golden moment indeed, why did it not come to paaaaaaaass.

Anyway, he tries transferring gas over, but then third assassin shows up! As does second assassin! Bang bang, shoot shoot, they fly to their escape on motorbike and all I can say is ex-Vampire Lorena sailing through the greens with her bare feet kicked up in the air is one of the highlights of this ep.

Long story shot, assassins get taken down, motorbike gets traded for a red Ford truck, and they (along with Stevie) head for the courthouse. He calls ahead to let 'em know they're coming, and in that bullet-ridden truck with the shattered windshield, he assures them, "You'll know which truck."

You know what also kills me? Steve's face when they roll around the courthouse, all fresh and clean. Boy doesn't just carry around a travel-sized face-paint kit, he has a whole box of wet wipes too. Man is prepared.

Not quite done, though! There's still the cleaner! Which Kono discovers is the defense's co-counsel. She tells Stevie and Kelly this, and despite the two men being already physically inside the courthouse and having just seen ex-Vampire Lorena off, and Kono all the way at HQ, she manages to arrive at the courthouse meeting room first, just in time to kick butt and save the day. Boys, you really need to move a lot faster.

Well, okay, they've just trekked through a mighty, mighty jungle. I guess they might've needed to catch their breath a bit.

And that's it! All this and we don't even see ex-Vampire Lorena draw fangs or wipe blood from her mouth. I am . . . I am so thrown off right now.

What did you think of this ep?