102: Ohana

Note: Dialogue in "quotes" are real. Anything else is made-up.

Ohana means "family," right? Amazing what you learn from Lilo & Stitch. Anyway, onwards to episode 2! The opening montage features surfing, bikinis, hula dancers, palm trees. . . just in case you forgot where all this is taking place. Between you and me, I think the title might've given it away.

We open with businessman and bodyguards heading for an early morning meeting. Or, as his son Evan describes it over the phone, "the buttcrack of dawn." Sweet, pleasant conversation, and son is surprisingly articulate considering he's supposed to be half-asleep. But then, wham! Bad guys crash into businessman's SUV, shoot up the bodyguards, and make away with businessman. All before breakfast, too. Well, dang.

A recording of Stevie's dad plays as we see the main chars this morning: Kono, ready to graduate from police academy! Kelly, all tough and manly on his bike! Danno, seeing his daughter off to school! Stevie, fresh from a dip in the ocean! Okay, folks, I think you've redeemed yourself for the whole Kono-constantly-in-skivvies thing before.

Hello there, lone wolf.

In the recording, Stevie's dad talks about his kids in the plural, and there are photos of Stevie and his sister, but she hadn't been there for dad's funeral, so I'm assuming she's either estranged or stuck in a South American jungle. Either way, you know this is going to be a handy plot-point in future.

Danno shows up and yes, Stevie comments on the whole Danno-constantly-in-tie-and-collared-shirt-in-100-degree-climate thing! Thank you, Stevie! You too have seen Jack Lord in his suit traipsing around Hawaii and shaken your head in disbelief. Bless your sweet heart. We also learn that Victor Hesse's body still hasn't been found, which means this may be a recurring storyline. Don't know how I feel about that. I mean, it could turn out to be like a CSI:NY recurring storyline, by which I mean it makes random appearances along the way and the characters make minute references whenever they feel like it, and once it's over you're like, "Huh. Well, moving on."

Anyway, gov calls, so off they go to investigate the kidnapped businessman, Roland Lowry. Ex-NASA, possible security threat, bla bla bla, basically, go find him. At the crime scene, Kelly gets the cut-direct from his former copmates (bet you didn't know Honolulu PD was just like a Victorian ball, did you?). Kono doesn't care what they think and is determined to have him attend her graduation ceremony, dagnabbit.

Stevie and Danno bring the son Evan to HQ for questioning, and I'm actually kinda glad that the HQ looks. . . not quite lived-in yet.

Nary a water-ring on that table.

Meanwhile, the original Hawaii Five-O office proves how handy it is to have the governor on speed-dial.

This is, after all, only the second ep, and they're still newly formed as a team. If it had been decked out with wall-to-wall shiny computers and touchscreens and fancy furniture, I'm sure we'd all be questioning the use of state funds here.

Anyway, Evan is plagued by guilt: "That could've been the last time I ever talk to my dad, and I called him a dictator!" Oh, sweetie, it's okay. There were a lot harsher words you could've used. As it was, both your dad and I found it extremely cute.

Dad's girlfriend shows up for Evan, and look! She's played by Ivana Milicevic! Which means there must be a twist up ahead, and can I just say that you guys should go watch Head Over Heels because it has the funniest depiction of stereotypical models ever. Forget Top Model, this cracks me up, and Ivana's the best whenever she pulls out The Accent.

Anyway, Stevie and Danno hie off to your friendly neighbourhood air force base, where Roland had been headed for that early morning meeting. Apparently he was going to reveal to them some security vulnerabilities, and kidnappers were like, dude, let's tap that. One of the kidnappers wanted to tap it a little too hard, though, 'cause he got shot during the skirmish, so Stevie, Danno, and Kelly trace his bloodstained path into a hotel and take the elevator up.

Scene that follows, ladies and gents, is comedy gold.

Gun loaded? Check.

Family in elevator reassured? Uh, hold on.

Kid is this close to wetting his pants.

Man, do I love this show.

So they follow the blood-trail like the yellow brick road, and find injured baddie on roof. I must say, Danno's a little gentle for a Jersey cop with self-acclaimed 87 homicide cases under his belt. Stevie has a more hands-on approach, much to Danno's outrage (Kelly: "Ladies, you can stop now"). By the way, I really love how they ended this scene. 'Twas wonderful. Hawaii Five-O has no problem with poking fun at dramatic exits.

More bonding in car! Have I mentioned how much I love Stevie and Danno's bonding (translation: not) in the car? Because I do. I really do.

Danno: "Torturing and killing is not part of the job description!"
Stevie: "I wasn't gonna kill him!"
Danno: "Why are you talking?"

Alex O'Loughlin, you are excellent here. You play Stevie with the perfect blend of authority and humour. Thank you. Four gold stars.

They check out Roland Lowry's home and are quick on the ball in discovering a secret hi-tech computer room. Which only goes to show that Mr. Lowry, sir, sorry but you ain't fooling nobody. Whoever renovated your house for you scammed you good. Anyway, Danno knows a pothead hacker who can help, so off they go to bribe him with Tootsie-Rolls.

Meanwhile, Kono decides origami is the best way to bond with Evan the son. I . . . I don't even know. Grace Park doesn't look the faintest bit Japanese. Sometimes it's all you can do to bury your head in your hands and wave along the plot device they need to get her searching for paper in order to reveal the twist that girlfriend-played-by-Ivana is one of the bad guys. I mean, they could've just had Kono needing to take down a phone message and that would've worked as well. I don't even know.

Also, Kono really needs to work on her poker face. I'm guessing Lady Gaga offers free lessons on weekends.

Fight scene 'tween Kono and girlfriend! Rough-and-tumble all the way outside! To the pool! Oh, you just know what's going to happen. I swear, the words "wet T-shirt contest" flashed in my head two seconds before they finally dropped in with a splash. Just as Kono's getting the upper hand, Serbian baddie shows up to whisk everyone away. Did I mention the baddies are Serbs? 'Cause they are.

So off they whisk to an airfield warehouse, with the Five-O boys hot on their trail. Roland Lowry is there, and a very remorseful Evan is glad to see him: "I'm sorry I called you a dictator!" Kid, really, it's okay. I know other words beginning with "dic" that would've pushed the envelope.

Showdown time! Guns a-blazing! Can I pause for a minute and say that I really hope hand signals are standardized across all police academies, military units, and naval teams? Otherwise Stevie ran the risk of really confusing Kono. I mean, if it's anything like sign language, I'm sure most of it is universal, but certain phrases are surely unique to their place of origin. Just watch an Adam Hills routine incorporating Australian Sign Language, you'll see what I mean. All I'm saying is, you don't want to accidentally sign to a military mate that you want a squid in the middle of a tense fracas.

Anyway, bang bang, kick kick, toss a fellow over the railing. Oh hey, explosion time! Boom! Bad guy is caught, and Stevie gets to execute the famed line.

Stevie: "Book 'im, Danno."
Danno: "Really? I mean, is that gonna be your thing now?"

Which I thought was an excellent touch, because this way, moving forward, the show can get away with not using the "Book 'im" line. Or, conversely, using it whenever it wants to, but not beholden to it. And it's still winking and nodding at viewers as usual, and baby, you can wink and nod away.

So show's winding down, and end of the day, we see Kono cleaning up her bruises in front of the mirror. Thank you for not being a baby about it, sister, props to you, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, I invite you to watch GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra to see what I mean. That was one movie that resulted in my friends and I simultaneously turning to each other and going, "What the hell did you do to the women?"

Anyway, Kono's a little bummed about missing her graduation, but she's a big girl, so props again. She comes out and sees this:

Men in uniform and we're okay with that.

They hold their own graduation ceremony for her! Stevie, being the awesome sweetheart that he is, gifts her with a gun that makes for a perfect backup weapon without requiring a separate holster. Awww, the heart, it melts.

And then he spoils it all by apologizing for putting her in danger and that as a family, "we'll always do everything we can to protect you." WHAT. People, she is a cop. She has had training. She has gone spying for you in skivvies. Would you have said the same thing if she'd been a guy? She's supposed to be an equal and valued team member, but from hereon out she will forever be known as everybody's kid sister. Is that any better than sobbing in front of a washroom mirror? (Seriously. GI Joe movie. There are no words. Well, maybe a drawing afterwards.)

Anyway, all in all, it was an enjoyable episode, and the giggles just keep on coming. Alex O'Loughlin really shone in this one, I thought, and I hope the show's here to stay. Are we waiting for ep 3? Oh yes we are!